Chapter 3
Modest Magazines
The Tales of Texas

1a - The Mysterious Ski Rack
1b - Wheres the Other Half of That Moose
1c - The Waiter Who Didnt Yall
1d - Scorpions, Scorpio
2a - Diet Soda
2b - Riding into the Sunrise
3 - Modest Magazines
4 - Down to Houston
5a - What Does That Sign Say
5b - Just Follow Your Nose
5c - They Call It the Sunbelt
5d - The State Tree
6 - The New House
7a - Billboards
7b - Billboards Again
8 - Stereo Upgrade
9 - Wineries
10 - Unintentionally Left Blank
11 - CBW in TX
12 - Ice House Radio
13 - Goats and Cotton
14 - Dig We Must
15 - Dan Moody
16 - Dry Heat
17 - Dead Animals
18a - Bookstore Culture
18b - On the Open Road
19 - Weather
20 - Sightings in Bertram and Buchanan
21 - Too Many Birds
22 - Road Hazards
23 - Sightings to and from Houston
24 - The Great Wall of Train
25 - In the Heat of the Day
26 - Bite Me
27 - Bid on This Skeleton
28 - Willie
29 - Rural Countryside
30 - SUV SUX!
31 - Kinky on the Texas Monthly Hour
32 - Strange Yellow Sky
33 - Football is a Serious Enterprise in Texas
34 - Remember the Alamoo!
35 - What's That on the Radio
36 - Trip to Houston through the small towns
37 - Shoe Story, an Austin Anecdote
38 - Unintended Fireworks
39 - Flash Flood Warning
40 - Sin City
41 - Live music in Austin, but in theaters not in clubs
42 - Fear of Overpass
43 - The Big Sneezy
44 - New Texas
45 - Front Ended by the French Fry Mobile
46 - Dirt Farm
47a - Heard at the Texas Book Festival 2008
48a - Texas Book Festival 2009
49 - Central Time Sucks
50 - Temple Texas
51 - Christmas in Austin
52 - Pennants in the Wind
53 - The Road Less Traveled
54 - Texas-size Thunderstorm
55 - Cool Van
56 - Your New House Is That-A-Way
57 - C.S.I. Austin
58 - New MTV Game Show
59 - Equine Technology
60 - Look at That Prairie
61 - Get Your Water Here
62 - Corporate Anniversaries
63 - College Sprawl
64 - Hire These Guys
65 - Preparing for Winter
66 - Careful What You Overhear
67 - Bonnie Raitt
68 - Perfume
69 - Questionable Skills
70 - All-American Day
71 - Read Me
72 - Weird Fog
73 - Overpackaged Food
74 - What Town Was That
75 - Texas Book Festival 2010
76 - Bulletproof Roof
77 - The Oldest Photo
78 - Cheesesteaks Part 1
79 - Cheesesteaks Part 2

You Should Be Ashamed of That Magazine

Rick Landau 2000/02/01

Modesty at Any Price

Went to a new supermarket tonight, Randall's, Open 24 Hours. Not bad, reasonable layout, good selection. Near the checkout, I passed by "Randall's Family Reading Center," the magazine and book stand. The word "Family" in the title is a tip-off. Translation: "No 'men's magazines.'"

Ever since Ed Meese in the Reagan days, most grocery stores and major convenience stores have refused to carry any magazines that feature sexually-oriented content, even relatively innocent magazines such as Playboy. Relatively innocent. However, all these stores carry all of the "women's magazines." Cosmo, Glamour, Seventeen, ym, Self, Shape, etc., etc.

Let's take a look at these magazines as a group. All of them feature scantily-clad models on the cover, often with more T&A than you'll find on Playboy. The blurbs on the cover promise "Twenty-six Ways to Better Orgasms," and "Oral Sex: Practice Makes Perfect." (Playboy, for comparison, touts interviews with Jeff Bezos and John McCain, and, just for balance, So Many Women, So Little Sex.") Basically, some of the women's mags are soft-core porn for women. No problema. Whatever floats your boat.

To quote that great sage, Tom Lehrer,

"All books can be indecent books
Though recent books are bolder.
For filth, I'm glad to say,
Is in the mind of the beholder.
When correctly viewed,
Everything is lewd."

Well, it seems that some wowser with an overdeveloped sense of propriety has been working in this store lately. As one waits in line for the cash register, what does one do? One reads the headline blurbs of the tabloids and magazines on the checkout racks. Well, in this store, you can't read some of them. Some of the magazines are stacked behind spring-loaded modesty panels that hide everything but the title. I couldn't see the delicious ladies and slinky gowns on the covers of Cosmo and Glamour, nor the lycra stretched within an inch of its life on Shape. Nor could I read the titillating blurbs promising Great Sex on the First Date.

No joke. In airport newsstands, they hide the more lurid covers of some skin mags. Here they hide the cover of Cosmo, ferchrissake. Did I make a wrong turn and end up on Mars? What on earth are they thinking?