Chapter 39
Flash Flood Warning
01a - Introduction
01b - The Mysterious Ski Rack
01c - Wheres the Other Half of That Moose
01d - Scorpions Scorpio
01e - The Waiter Who Didnt Yall
02a - Can I Get a Diet Soda
02b - Riding Into the Sunrise
03 - Modesty at Any Price
04 - Driving Down to Houston
05a - What Does That Sign Say
05b - The State Tree
05c - They Call It the Sunbelt
05d - Just Follow Your Nose
06 - The New House
07a - Billboards
07b - Billboards Again
08 - Stereo Upgrade
09 - Local Wineries
10 - Unintentionally Left Blank
11 - CBW in TX
12 - Ice House Radio
13 - Goats and Cotton
14 - Dig We Must
15 - Dan Moody
16 - Dry Heat
17 - Dead Animals We Have Known
18a - Bookstore Culture
18b - On the Open Road
19 - Weather
20 - Sightings in Bertram and Buchanan
21 - Too Many Birds
22 - Road Hazards
23 - Sightings To And From Houston
24 - The Great Wall of Train
25 - In the Heat of the Day
26 - Bite Me
27 - Bid on This Skeleton
28 - Willie Al Fresco
29 - Rural Countryside
30 - SUV SUX!
31 - Kinky on the Texas Monthly Hour
32 - Strange Yellow Sky
33 - Football is a Serious Enterprise in Texas
34 - Remember the Alamoo!
35 - What Was That on the Radio
36 - Trip to Houston Through Small Towns
37 - Shoe Story
38 - Unintended Fireworks
39 - Flash Flood Warning
40 - Sin City
41 - Live Music in Austin But Not in Clubs
42 - Fear of Overpass
43 - The Big Sneezy
44 - New Texas
45 - Front Ended by the French Fry Mobile
46 - Dirt Farm
47 - Heard at the Texas Book Festival 2008
48 - Heard at the Texas Book Festival 2009
49 - Central Time Sucks
50 - Temple Texas
51 - Christmas in Austin
52 - Pennants in the Wind
53 - The Road Less Traveled
54 - Texas-size Thunderstorm
55 - Cool Van
56 - Your New House is That-A-Way
57 - CSI Austin
58 - New MTV Game Show
59 - Equine Technology
60 - Look at That Prairie
61 - Get Your Water Here
62 - Corporate Anniversaries
63 - College Sprawl
64 - Hire These Guys
65 - Preparing for Winter
66 - Careful What You Overhear
67 - Bonnie Raitt
68 - Perfume
69 - Questionable Skills
70 - All-American Day
71 - Read Me
72 - Weird Fog
73 - Overpackaged Food
74 - What Town Was That
75 - Texas Book Festival 2010
76 - Bulletproof Roof
77 - The Oldest Photo
78 - Cheesesteaks Part 1
79 - Cheesesteaks Part 2
80 - Sure We Got Culture
81 - A Message to Gyno-Americans
82 - The cathedral of Junk

A little more rain

We see flash flood warnings all the time, whenever it rains hard. And the news people feel compelled to show scenes of stupid people climbing out their car windows into water up to the door handles. And cars being swept away, down the river that used to be just down the street. And they tell us how many people died last year from drowning in flash floods. On the news tonight were stories and videos of rescues from the raging rivers. On the one hand, sort of in defense of some people, one of the rivers rose -- ready? -- eleven feet in two hours. That is one inch per *minute*. Those stories were followed by the videos of trucks and SUXs driving through water up to the middle of the doors. And the police arresting them either on the other side of the river or after they'd been rescued downstream. Turns out that the police must actually observe the driver going around the barricades in order to charge him or her with the Texas version of reckless endangerment which is "deadly driving." And there were at least two of those charges today. How can you possibly do that while the cops are watching? Let's see, there's a raging torrent where the road used to be, and there's a police barricade here designed to keep me from driving into that raging torrent where the road used to be, and there's a cop car just sitting here with his blinkers on to warn people not to drive around the barricades and into the raging torrent where the road used to be. I think I'll drive around the barricade and see if I can get across the raging torrent, or maybe turn my new car into a boat and have an adventure. Must be many, many stupid people.

Well, as of this morning, I have a new respect for flash flood warnings that I didn't have yesterday. Two incidents. I knew that I had gotten stupider down here, but I was not aware just how much. When I looked out the window this morning, I noticed that Lake Spicewood, that's our name for the playground of the elementary school behind our yard, was as large as I have ever seen it. We are at about the highest point in the county, a thousand feet above sea level, but hard rain fills the local low spots with puddles like anywhere else, made slightly worse here by the ground, which is solid limestone almost up to the surface but covered in places with inches or feet of impervious icky clay. So when it rains, we have the Alpine Lakes of Central Texas in the schoolyard next door.

One. Driving along a perfectly normal suburban road, past the Exxon and the Wendy's, there is a little curve to the left. And there is a little puddle. And suddenly, the car is half a lane over to the right. Instantly, no warning. Had there been someone there, I would absolutely have pushed him out of the lane. Oops. Hydroplaning at a mere forty miles an hour? Hmmm. Should have imbued greater caution as I continued on.

The road construction in the area has changed the landscape so much that there are now lakes and rivers where there used to be just fields. I drive past one temporary lake in a construction area, about a two hundred feet wide and two thousand feet long, and all right up at road level. At the end of the lake, there is a smallish river running across the road to the arroyo on the other side. Boy, that'll be fun to work in tomorrow. I think they should probably put in a flume there as part of the reconstruction.

Digression: Impervious cover in Houston and Austin.

A big box store moves into your neighborhood. Jobs, more shopping, signs of prosperity, right? Sometimes that depends on criteria that few consider in advance. What's the contour of the land between that store and you? Is it uphill from your street?

A single large store moves in, paves over five to ten acres for building and parking lot. A small mall, twenty to thirty acres. A large mall, more than that. A few million square feet of concrete where there used to be grass. Impervious cover. Rain doesn't penetrate it and sink into the ground. It flows off, downhill, somewhere else. Away. Not our problem. It flows off our property. Somebody else's problem.

Well, if you're the place downhill from that concrete pad, your experience of rain changes. Your house is above the hundred-year flood plain? Well, it used to be. The house didn't move; the drainage pattern did. My brother's house was at the top of the hundred-year flood plain, by only inches, but above. Twenty years later, it seemed to be in the five-year flood plain. Works like this:

". . . the total runoff volume for a one-acre parking lot is about 16 times that produced by an undeveloped meadow. . . . The peak discharge, velocity and time of concentration of stormwater runoff also exhibit a striking increase after a meadow is replaced by a parking lot." (Center for Watershed Protection)

Zoning boards and planning commissions should pay a little more attention to this problem and its impact on downstream neighborhoods. In the case of my brother's neighborhood, the city of Houston has bought the entire area, every single house, so that they can widen the bayou to prevent even more flooding further downstream. Huge new big box stores and malls a mile to two north. But no more houses full of shoppers.

End of digression.

Two. I thought that the underpass coming up in a mile or so would be bad, but surprisingly it isn't. Dry, no puddles at all. A wonder of drainage engineering. Then I come up out of the underpass and start up the little hill beyond it. The pickup in front of me is driving through this puddle -- what's a puddle doing on the side of a hill? -- putting up big rooster tails. But the water isn't even over the rubber of his tires. I mean, how deep can it be on the side of a hill? On a nice, flat road? No problema. So I go through, too. For the next hundred yards, I'm driving through a river flowing sideways across the road. Obliquely, not perpendicular. What's a river doing on the side of a hill? This is a new river flowing toward me down the shoulder on the left side, then it crosses the road here to flow into the construction ditches on the right side. It's only, oh, four or five inches deep. But it's flowing like crazy, completely across the four lane road in one to two seconds, which according to my arithmetic in a later moment of clarity is like twenty miles an hour. Several times faster than I'm going. I have to slow to a crawl to make headway and steer at the same time. If you hydroplane on this stuff, you end up off the road completely, faster than you can react.

In the rear view mirror, I see another pickup behind me enter the river. Too fast. The pickup is covered with a wave, sploosh, inundated, it disappears completely, then the water flows off and he slows down. Not enough, he still goes too fast, putting up a much larger wake than I was, but he makes it.

Digression: I hope he had his window closed. Back when I smoked, I always drove with the window cracked for ventilation, to draw out the smoke, and as a place to flick ashes. At least when I wasn't driving in desert areas like California. Out there in the land of brush fires, you don't dare flick an ash much less a cigarette butt out a window. One learns to use ashtrays, a skill that is not part of the Northeasterner's training regimen. I even had to reject a rental car once in L.A. because it didn't have an ashtray. But that was back in the dark days before I had my brain washed at Mass General and denied the Demon Nicotine.

In the early days of driving and smoking, there was the little front vent window, the triangular forward tip of the front window that pivoted on a vertical axis, right at the smoking driver's left hand, which was incredibly convenient for smokers. Just pop the window open half an inch, the draft sucked the ashes right off the end of the cigarette, didn't make much noise, didn't create a large draft. What draft there was was outbound, so that even in the middle of winter you didn't have an icy breeze cryogenically preserving your left ear. Just turn up the heat a little to compensate for the loss. Similarly for air conditioning in the summer.

Aside: sunroofs are good for this sucking and flicking, too, but they're awfully noisy by comparison, and they really suck the heat out of the car in winter and kill your air conditioning in the summer.

But then in an effort to streamline and lighten (and cheapen) cars, the manufacturers killed the little vent windows. Cars were made to run with the windows shut all the time. Use the ventilation system if you want fresh air. They all come with A/C these days, so no problem even in summer. If you wanted to draw the smoke out so that it didn't stink up the interior, however, you still had to crack the window. Then you really did have the cryogenic, or fry-ogenic depending on the season, process working on the ear. See all the fun that you non-smokers missed out on? So you drive around with the driver's window cracked a few inches so you can flick the ashes out and have the wind suck them away. Or, if you really don't like the guy on the motorcycle behind you, flick the whole cigarette.

In the rain, this became a problem. If the rain was coming from the wrong direction, you couldn't really keep the window open all the time. So you crank it down an inch, flick, crank it up an inch. Pain in the butt. And all to keep other people from complaining that your car stinks. At the time we didn't know about secondhand smoke. ("Smoking is so dangerous that it kills people who don't even do it.")

So, one day (Get to the point already, geez!) I'm driving along with the window open, oh, maybe four or five inches. The rain has stopped or at least slowed to a drizzle. But then there's this puddle. I go through it, no problem. It's the truck going the other way that's the problem. He throws up a huge wake on both sides. Uh oh. I see it coming just a second before the truck-nami hits. No time to roll up the window, only enough reaction time to get a hand up. And that was really ineffective at warding off the gallons of muddy water that shot the gap into my face, hand, arm, neck, shirt, jacket, the entire front interior of the car. What a delight.

I hope he had his window closed. End of digression.

On the other side, I pass two SUXs stopped on the side of the road. They're looking at the flood, watching me and the pickup ford the stream. But there's no traffic coming the other way. A mile up the road, I see the police diverting all traffic on that side to another road that goes around the trouble. They haven't done my side yet, don't know why. Maybe it's worse driving downstream, as they would be doing from that direction. Yes, that's it. Driving against the current, you can still steer; but with the current, you can't. I remember this from days on a friend's sailboat: beware tides that flow faster than you can make headway.

This incident was an eye-opener. In the future, I think I will make U-turns instead of trying to drive through this sort of innocent-looking stream. Better a dry chicken. But today there were many, many stupid people plus one.